This past month I've been facing a
trial that I know a lot of women face—miscarriage. I would much rather be telling
you all that I'm pregnant and expecting another miracle, but unfortunately I can only tell you of two failed pregnancies. I miscarried the first time just a few
months ago, in November. The first time was hard, but I was only 4 weeks. In
November I was so excited to have gotten pregnant, because it took us 18 months
to get pregnant with Kinley. This time had only taken 2 months, and although it
ended poorly, it was nice to know we were able to get pregnant without going
through the pain of waiting for 18 months.
I was shocked again to get pregnant
3 months later. I was so excited! So many of my friends were pregnant and I was
excited that it seemed to be "in the water". On Wednesday March 28th,
Jason, Kinley and I stepped into the doctor’s office for a sonogram, expecting
to see a 7 week 2 day old little peanut. Instead, we saw an empty gestational
sac. We were quite surprised and confused. After speaking with the doctor we
were told that most likely the baby hadn't developed past the first few weeks
and my body just hadn't recognized the loss. The doctor gave us the option of
scheduling a D&C (basically removal of the pregnancy by suction), or having
blood drawn to check my hcg levels. I decided I needed proof that the pregnancy
was not viable and opted for the blood work.
I spent 2 days crying and feeling
quite depressed and angry. It had come to a point that I didn't feel I could
control much of anything. On Thursday night I asked Jason to give me a
blessing, which he agreed to. Sometimes there is no better cure than a
blessing. The next day I felt mostly like myself. I was so thankful that Jason
was able and willing to give me a blessing.
My first hcg test was over
46,000--nice and high. I went back 2 days later to repeat the test, which came
back at 7,500 less. The doctor said this was consistent with a miscarriage and
once again offered the D&C. Again I chose to wait because my levels were
still quite high. I scheduled a sonogram for Monday (April 2nd), in hopes that we would see
a change. On Monday, we saw the same thing: an empty sac. But still I could not accept the D&C. The sac had now grown to 8 weeks, consistent with my dates. I decided I would need another sonogram before making a decision. There are many women who do not see the baby until later than expected due to things such as a tipped uterus, so I just couldn’t end the pregnancy with that little bit of possibility.
On Monday April 9th, we went in for
another sonogram. We were hoping for a miracle, but unfortunately there was still no
change. We talked with the doctor and decided it was time to move on. If we
continued to wait for my body to miscarry naturally, there is no set time of
how long it would take, and with my hormone levels so high it could have taken
months. My doctor agreed to do the procedure whenever we were available. He
scheduled it for Tuesday during his lunch break. My blood had been drawn and my
hcg level had dropped to about 28,000.
Up to this point, the blessing I had
received was working wonders. As we left the office Monday afternoon I realized
I would have to accept the loss and move on now. After almost 2 weeks of
knowing that this may be the outcome of this pregnancy, I still wasn't ready
for it--you can never be ready for this. It is not fair--it sucks--and nothing
anybody says can make it better!
I had not allowed myself to mourn
the first loss. I told myself it was too early in the pregnancy to get sad
about it. After letting that build up, I was having a hard time accepting that
it was ok to be sad, mad, frustrated, and all the other feelings I was having
with the second loss. After my mom told me I had every right to feel those
things, I finally let it all out. Holding it in does no good. No matter when
the loss happens, it’s a loss and you deserve to mourn it.
I'm grateful for good friends who
could watch Kinley, tell me what to expect, and get me up and off my couch.
I know this is a really sensitive
subject, and some people aren't able to talk about it. I also know that
everyone needs someone to lean on during this, and one's husband isn't always
that person. Jason wasn't able to tell me what to expect with the surgery, or
watch Kinley and also be at the hospital with me. That's why I am so glad to
have good friends to fill in the gaps. I'm glad that somebody was able to tell
me what to expect, because the unknown is always particularly hard for me. I just want all
my friends to know that if they ever have to go through something like this, I'm
here for you. You can't get through this alone (well, not as easily anyway).
Today, exactly 2 weeks after the
surgery, I’m feeling better. My mom flew out for a week to help me with Kinley
and let me cry. I had an allergic reaction to one of the medications, and I was
in a lot of pain. With the surgery and the allergy my mind and body were too
tired to keep up with Kinley. I hadn’t admitted to needing my mom, but luckily
she came anyway. My mom left on Sunday; I am so grateful she was here because
by the time she left I was mentally, emotionally, and physically in a much
better place than when she had arrived.
So far, I think the most important
thing Jason has learned (or is trying to learn) is that the pain will come and go,
and sometimes I just need a good cry.
There are a lot of things that I
have left out, but know that if you have to go through a loss and need someone
to confide in, please know I’m an open book and here to help.
